A (Very Outdated) Rap Song Resume

I used to be a journalist. One night, when I was still a wee grad student, I drank too much coffee, and wrote a rap song outlining all my mad skillz, in the hopes that an esteemed news outlet would hire me. Ask me how well this worked.

My Nut Graf is Smaller Than Yours (Hire Me Please)

My nut graf be ballin’, it’s got every deet,
it’s short, to the point, but it sure ain’t sweet.

I talk a good talk, but my questions are better,
When I be calling sources, I’m a real go-getter.

When I’m chattin’ on the phone, I’m real nice,
But I’m on the record, and my quotes are ice.

My nut grafs, my slugs, my pitches and my briefs,
They be ballin’, they be ballin’, like my copy and my ledes.
My nut grafs, my slugs, my pitches and my briefs,
They be ballin’, they be ballin’,so hire me please?

I know google spreadsheets like the back of my hand,
Data is my bitch, but my data ain’t bland.

I take one look at them stock market stats,
I can tell you if the money is up-down or flat.

I got mad game, I got them data skills,
Watch me viz that data, it’ll give you chills.

Slideshows, or blogposts, or on-air interviews,
I can do them all, so I’ll let you choose.

Or maybe you want a ballin’ infographic?
I can do that too, and jack up your traffic!

I’ll learn your stylebook, even when I’m on the run,
I got 99 problems, AP style ain’t one.